I remember a conversation I had with a co-worker/friend several years ago. After coming in contact with a woman who was a single mother of two, my friend somewhat casually asked if I thought I could "relate" to her situation.
Having always thought of myself as having a decent capacity for empathy, having known a few and even dated a single mother of two small ones. Although she herself was single with no kids, she basically let me have it for truly thinking I could relate. She flat out told me that there was no way I could. There is no way I could relate to having to make the choice between feeding versus clothing or taking a child to the doctor. No way I could relate to catching the bus with children in tow. No way I could relate to being solely responsible for meeting all the needs and wants, and especially knowing that I could not meet those needs and wants.
After getting over the feeling of being offended, I paused long enough to admit to her that she was right.
Of course the intent of this writing isn't directed at me, for being a pig headed, privileged, married man. How can I relate to the high school student who's grown up without a father in their life. We can't click our heals to relate to the twentysomething cancer survivor, nor will I dwell on the ways that folks can't relate to my life with the pain and feeling of helplessness brought on by multiple sclerosis. The same way I realized that I hadn't been able to relate to being married to me with MS, coating periods of depression and low self esteem, dipped in denial, alternating with resistance and sheer fight. With feeling guilty for sometimes weakened or wavering faith, that I've tried to rely on. While having the the nerve to think I could or should hide as many of my feelings as I tried to. All with a molten hot core of love to share.
Along with that, I can't beat back the thought of how virtually alone we all would have to feel if we only looked for someone that could already relate to us, as opposed to "helping" others relate to us while we learn to better relate to others.
My identical twin that I grew up with, who is also married, and has two kids, and has MS. While we can relate on almost everything things, there are still things we learn about each other and the lives we lead. We've also helped each other to have more interest and courage to relate to people from all different circles that may be unlike us.
