It's been a long time! Yeah, it's not the only thing that happened since my last post, but, In September, I was laid off from my employer of almost ten years.
It's "funny", the first word in Plan B is plan. Planning is something we start in advance, in order to be more prepared, right?
I still remember a conversation I had a couple years ago with my son. He is really into sports. Be it football or basketball, he wanted to play!!
It got to the point of me and his mom asking for an off season..
For years, he'd said he was going to become a professional athlete. Whoa, now that's a stretch I thought. While he was pretty good, he was never the team's franchise player.
On this Saturday car trip, conversation somehow turned to "what you want to be when you grow up...besides an athlete?". What's your plan B I asked.
I briefly told him that I had statistics describing the low rate of boys from the millions playing high school sports that actually play in college, that less than 1% across all sports with professional leagues, will go pro. then I linked it to me. I referenced the reality of me and Multiple Sclerosis. I told him that I needed to have a plan B too.
I mentioned a couple ideas that if he and/or his sister were interested could even become a family business of sorts.
Fast forward to today, knowing that I'm laid off and looking for work, my son asked "what about that idea you told me about before?"
Yeah, I'd been thinking about it, and while there's no since fretting about what I didn't do, for now, I'll just say somethings gonna change before the end of the month of January.
I'll just say, I have expectations of good things happening in 2012!
Thanks Chuck for at least partially holding me accountable.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Can You Relate?
I remember a conversation I had with a co-worker/friend several years ago. After coming in contact with a woman who was a single mother of two, my friend somewhat casually asked if I thought I could "relate" to her situation.
Having always thought of myself as having a decent capacity for empathy, having known a few and even dated a single mother of two small ones. Although she herself was single with no kids, she basically let me have it for truly thinking I could relate. She flat out told me that there was no way I could. There is no way I could relate to having to make the choice between feeding versus clothing or taking a child to the doctor. No way I could relate to catching the bus with children in tow. No way I could relate to being solely responsible for meeting all the needs and wants, and especially knowing that I could not meet those needs and wants.
After getting over the feeling of being offended, I paused long enough to admit to her that she was right.
Of course the intent of this writing isn't directed at me, for being a pig headed, privileged, married man. How can I relate to the high school student who's grown up without a father in their life. We can't click our heals to relate to the twentysomething cancer survivor, nor will I dwell on the ways that folks can't relate to my life with the pain and feeling of helplessness brought on by multiple sclerosis. The same way I realized that I hadn't been able to relate to being married to me with MS, coating periods of depression and low self esteem, dipped in denial, alternating with resistance and sheer fight. With feeling guilty for sometimes weakened or wavering faith, that I've tried to rely on. While having the the nerve to think I could or should hide as many of my feelings as I tried to. All with a molten hot core of love to share.
Along with that, I can't beat back the thought of how virtually alone we all would have to feel if we only looked for someone that could already relate to us, as opposed to "helping" others relate to us while we learn to better relate to others.
My identical twin that I grew up with, who is also married, and has two kids, and has MS. While we can relate on almost everything things, there are still things we learn about each other and the lives we lead. We've also helped each other to have more interest and courage to relate to people from all different circles that may be unlike us.
Having always thought of myself as having a decent capacity for empathy, having known a few and even dated a single mother of two small ones. Although she herself was single with no kids, she basically let me have it for truly thinking I could relate. She flat out told me that there was no way I could. There is no way I could relate to having to make the choice between feeding versus clothing or taking a child to the doctor. No way I could relate to catching the bus with children in tow. No way I could relate to being solely responsible for meeting all the needs and wants, and especially knowing that I could not meet those needs and wants.
After getting over the feeling of being offended, I paused long enough to admit to her that she was right.
Of course the intent of this writing isn't directed at me, for being a pig headed, privileged, married man. How can I relate to the high school student who's grown up without a father in their life. We can't click our heals to relate to the twentysomething cancer survivor, nor will I dwell on the ways that folks can't relate to my life with the pain and feeling of helplessness brought on by multiple sclerosis. The same way I realized that I hadn't been able to relate to being married to me with MS, coating periods of depression and low self esteem, dipped in denial, alternating with resistance and sheer fight. With feeling guilty for sometimes weakened or wavering faith, that I've tried to rely on. While having the the nerve to think I could or should hide as many of my feelings as I tried to. All with a molten hot core of love to share.
Along with that, I can't beat back the thought of how virtually alone we all would have to feel if we only looked for someone that could already relate to us, as opposed to "helping" others relate to us while we learn to better relate to others.
My identical twin that I grew up with, who is also married, and has two kids, and has MS. While we can relate on almost everything things, there are still things we learn about each other and the lives we lead. We've also helped each other to have more interest and courage to relate to people from all different circles that may be unlike us.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I "needed" to cry
You know,it get's tough sometimes. What makes me say that you ask with a bit of sarcasm in your mind. Wearing all of these hats, of which very few have "consistently show vulernability" as a top desired trait. I was told once that as a husband in particular, I needed to work on that. That my wife may really appreciate seeing my vulnerable side. Even for my kids, I have intentionally tried to let them know I have fears too. I was told that sharing that with her could really strengthen our relationships.
If my wife sees that I trust her enough to admit when I'm afraid, or, as was the case yesterday, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or uncertain. Instead of weakness, those would be seen as strengths.
A few times tlat week I felt like I was more or less "not gonna make it", or that I was up against the world, or perhaps doomed to fail in more than one space of my life. I was fighting with our bank regarding an issaue we had been trying for a while to clear up. I had been working on a problem at work that seemed like the two groups were not going to agree. Both of which I will need to continue working with. Then, an event that I planned with a group at work really flopped. As the team lead, I kinda took it personally.
Those things were dwarfed by the biggest life issue I have been dealing with for almost 18 years now. Even more so in the last 10. Yes I'm talking about MS. I know without a doubt that the illness has taken a more progessive and controlling turn in my life. I had been getting more comfortable relying on other people another item I'd been having to come to terms with (I'll cover that at another time).
I did feel like I had been showing a strong face. For my family, others that might currently or yet to come, have to deal with some kind of illness or other major life matter. I guess even for myself. That is something I've gotten good at. Showing a strong face. I'll admit, I have also cried my share tears regarding MS, mostly alone though. Some times I've even wondered how much more I could take.
This day, the day after I repeatedly felt so weak while exercising that I had to take several breaks throughout the session. That's not even to mention the number of exercises I wasn't able to do.
This day I was having trouble walking from the living room to the bedroom and back. I had to admit to my wife that I felt life I was fighting an uphill battle that I could not win against MS in particular. I felt like pretty much all of my battles were no win. MS had made sure I was feeling it's presence at that moment. So, I just had to cry. I tried to hold the tears back, but, they kept pushing their way out. I appreciate that Laura Lee said it's ok, let yourself cry. I recalled that it had been a while since the last time I had cried. That men also need to cry sometimes. I did appreciate those tears. I promise, I'll cry again.
I'll keep showing up for the fights. I'll win some, I'll lose some (don't we all). For some, I'll keep changing the way I fight plans. I will make it, I promise.
If my wife sees that I trust her enough to admit when I'm afraid, or, as was the case yesterday, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or uncertain. Instead of weakness, those would be seen as strengths.
A few times tlat week I felt like I was more or less "not gonna make it", or that I was up against the world, or perhaps doomed to fail in more than one space of my life. I was fighting with our bank regarding an issaue we had been trying for a while to clear up. I had been working on a problem at work that seemed like the two groups were not going to agree. Both of which I will need to continue working with. Then, an event that I planned with a group at work really flopped. As the team lead, I kinda took it personally.
Those things were dwarfed by the biggest life issue I have been dealing with for almost 18 years now. Even more so in the last 10. Yes I'm talking about MS. I know without a doubt that the illness has taken a more progessive and controlling turn in my life. I had been getting more comfortable relying on other people another item I'd been having to come to terms with (I'll cover that at another time).
I did feel like I had been showing a strong face. For my family, others that might currently or yet to come, have to deal with some kind of illness or other major life matter. I guess even for myself. That is something I've gotten good at. Showing a strong face. I'll admit, I have also cried my share tears regarding MS, mostly alone though. Some times I've even wondered how much more I could take.
This day, the day after I repeatedly felt so weak while exercising that I had to take several breaks throughout the session. That's not even to mention the number of exercises I wasn't able to do.
This day I was having trouble walking from the living room to the bedroom and back. I had to admit to my wife that I felt life I was fighting an uphill battle that I could not win against MS in particular. I felt like pretty much all of my battles were no win. MS had made sure I was feeling it's presence at that moment. So, I just had to cry. I tried to hold the tears back, but, they kept pushing their way out. I appreciate that Laura Lee said it's ok, let yourself cry. I recalled that it had been a while since the last time I had cried. That men also need to cry sometimes. I did appreciate those tears. I promise, I'll cry again.
I'll keep showing up for the fights. I'll win some, I'll lose some (don't we all). For some, I'll keep changing the way I fight plans. I will make it, I promise.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I Shaved my head bald
The other day, I shaved my head bald
Not because I had to, because I wanted to y'all!
Don't worry, I ain't saying that all of a sudden I'm "da bomb"
I mighta even messed things up for dad and even for mom.
See Calvin, my twin has been wearing his tight for quite some time,
That was his joint, so the fade was still gonna be mine.
His was real short, mine was long,
I wasnt long enuf for braids or a fro, just a way we'd look a lil different u know.
The way things look, I glad I came around, hairline had was receeding & almost couldn't be found :(
From now on, this is how I'm gonna get down,
still Al, j8ust looking up, won't be too much hair found!
Not because I had to, because I wanted to y'all!
Don't worry, I ain't saying that all of a sudden I'm "da bomb"
I mighta even messed things up for dad and even for mom.
See Calvin, my twin has been wearing his tight for quite some time,
That was his joint, so the fade was still gonna be mine.
His was real short, mine was long,
I wasnt long enuf for braids or a fro, just a way we'd look a lil different u know.
The way things look, I glad I came around, hairline had was receeding & almost couldn't be found :(
From now on, this is how I'm gonna get down,
still Al, j8ust looking up, won't be too much hair found!
Friday, August 27, 2010
What's really not the same?
A few of my co workers and I were talking at work and the conversation somehow moved to weddings & wedding pictures. Because I didn't have any pictures here at work, I went to one place that I knew they existed. I announced to them that they may need to bring a box of kleenex, then began the video tribute that my wife put together for me and posted on her blog back in December, 2007.
I'll be honest, there were quite a few ooos & ahhhs. Then one young lady that I believe was married for less than five years came over from the next row to comment about hearing my wife say that she honored me.
She mentioned that in her wedding vows, she told the minister that she would or didn't want to say honor & obey. I was trying to explain to her what I thought was meant by honoring, especially in a marriage relationship. She still couldn't budge. I tried to explain to them (her in particular) that I was not an iron fisted man, demanding to be honored.
I think what they also heard was the loving way in which my wife's voice spoke her words.
In response to something she said, the other man among the four of us mentioned that yes, it does help if a woman would stroke a man's ego some.
I tried to explain that yes, a man likes to feel admired, respected and special in in sense of "importance".
Of course, that varies in accordance with each man, but, give it a try, and see how he responds.
I don't know she says, referring to the guy she is currently dating, he seems to have enough ego for both of us.
I'll be honest, there were quite a few ooos & ahhhs. Then one young lady that I believe was married for less than five years came over from the next row to comment about hearing my wife say that she honored me.
She mentioned that in her wedding vows, she told the minister that she would or didn't want to say honor & obey. I was trying to explain to her what I thought was meant by honoring, especially in a marriage relationship. She still couldn't budge. I tried to explain to them (her in particular) that I was not an iron fisted man, demanding to be honored.
I think what they also heard was the loving way in which my wife's voice spoke her words.
In response to something she said, the other man among the four of us mentioned that yes, it does help if a woman would stroke a man's ego some.
I tried to explain that yes, a man likes to feel admired, respected and special in in sense of "importance".
Of course, that varies in accordance with each man, but, give it a try, and see how he responds.
I don't know she says, referring to the guy she is currently dating, he seems to have enough ego for both of us.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Fear
I remember seeing the movie Murder in The First with Kevin Bacon. He was sentenced to prison in Alcatraz, then spent 1,000 days in solitary confinement. The max sentence was supposed to be 19 days. There was a scene that I don't remember verbatim, but Bacon's character, Henri Young exclamed that he didn't want to be afraid anymore!
FEAR says you have little skill
alvin says you haven’t seen my work
FEAr says I own you
alviN says I cannot doubt Me because of you
FEar say I’m sure you won’t make it
alvIN says, I’m sure I will try again
Fear says what makes you think you can
alVIN says, I have too many gifts to stop
fear says, I’m gonna mess with someone else, maybe I’ll just watch you
aLVIN says I am too perfectly and wonderfully made by God to fear you
ALVIN says I know you didn’t leave completely, but, I will remember that I did make you afraid of me!
FEAR says you have little skill
alvin says you haven’t seen my work
FEAr says I own you
alviN says I cannot doubt Me because of you
FEar say I’m sure you won’t make it
alvIN says, I’m sure I will try again
Fear says what makes you think you can
alVIN says, I have too many gifts to stop
fear says, I’m gonna mess with someone else, maybe I’ll just watch you
aLVIN says I am too perfectly and wonderfully made by God to fear you
ALVIN says I know you didn’t leave completely, but, I will remember that I did make you afraid of me!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Don't u see me?!?
It might be easy, to look & wonder, what will it take,What could it be,
First, you see, u gotta wonder, just who is this cat he calls me.
Me is gonna be, willing and able to just keep "being".
As much as it looks, even in wonderment to me, like he does a lot for every or somebody else, when he does it, he's really doing it because of...me.
Not FOR, or in spite of, but BECAUSE of me. I thought about and almost tried to not be me... Then realized that first, I would have to not BE, only then, could I be a different ME!
First, you see, u gotta wonder, just who is this cat he calls me.
Me is gonna be, willing and able to just keep "being".
As much as it looks, even in wonderment to me, like he does a lot for every or somebody else, when he does it, he's really doing it because of...me.
Not FOR, or in spite of, but BECAUSE of me. I thought about and almost tried to not be me... Then realized that first, I would have to not BE, only then, could I be a different ME!
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